You and I sit in early morning darkness, and only by the light of the Christmas tree can I see your face. You smile up at me, and your tiny fingers wrap tight around mine.
These are some of the favorite moments of my day.
People ask if we’re doing okay with you, and I do not know how to answer them. There is so much I cannot say.
You are doing better than okay. You, little miracle, tiny fighter, after so much, you smile more than any baby I know. I deeply admire you. I don’t even know if I could have protected myself by not loving you, but if I could have, I wouldn’t. In your first year, you need to know love. You need diapers and bottles and swaddle blankets, but you need more than that—you need to know you are loved—and in this home you have that overflowing from every one of us. Yes, you are doing okay.
What is not okay is the sin of this world, the brokenness and tragedy that smudges the edges of our lives and sometimes threatens to tear right through.
I want to protect you from that, and I can’t. You are not mine no matter how much I want you to be, and I know that sometime I will probably have to give you up.
I can’t even comprehend that right now, because I have no context for that kind of loss.
How did Abraham feel climbing the mountain?
I know Whose you are. This I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. God is your Judge, and He holds you in the palm of His hand. He brought you to us for a purpose, and I pray for the fulfillment of that purpose.
My faith is being tested and stretched, to believe in the face of this darkness that my little prayers could make any difference. But I do believe. I have heard storms beat against the window, and then I have looked at the flicker of the Advent candle. Hope still burns bright, because we are waiting for Christ to come.
And when He came, He was a lot like you.
I never thought it would hurt this much, but I would do it all again for the chance to love Jesus by loving you, to get to know you and to watch your life transform.
You may never remember me, but I will never forget you. I will always love you. I promise to pray for you every day of my life.